After many years in rebellion, I am now walking and living out the Lord’s call on my life. There have been many trials along the way but also many blessings, confirmations and encouragement’s! I would like to share some of the miracles God has done in my life and how He has brought me to this point.

I was raised in a solid Christian home. Nevertheless, during my childhood, I was sexually molested a few times, unbeknownst to my family. My first experience was gang rape at age six. Twisted adults also molested me, under the guise of “love and tenderness.” I could never tell my parents. There was a “no talk” attitude in our family that I believe caused me to withdraw from expressing my feelings of fear, guilt and shame. From an early age, satan tried to destroy both me and the call of God on my life.

When I was eleven, a twenty-five year old woman in our church molested me. My body had matured but my mind was still that of an eleven-year-old. I experienced fear and guilt but loved the attention and the feelings. In the midst of the act, another church member discovered what was happening. She phoned my parents. When my father confronted me he said, “…get down on your knees and pray for forgiveness.” I did not understand what was happening, but I did what he asked. At that moment, I felt alienated from my father’s love because “I had allowed” this to happen. I experienced more fear, confusion and shame. As a child, I then understood that sex with women was bad, and to have any sexual feelings was a sin. When I experienced the awakening of sexual feelings within me, I did not know how to handle this powerful force. The real struggle began.

Consequently, a year later when a man approached me with the intention of molesting me, I fell into the clutches of homosexuality without any struggle. I wanted the attention and love from a man. All I knew was that I was hungry for my father’s masculine affirmation and I was not receiving it. From that point on, my life became more and more difficult and confused. I had accepted abnormal sexual behaviour as “normal” in my life.

I became sexually aggressive. Bad sexual conduct caused my arrest by juvenile authorities two different times. My parents were very confused about my behaviour. They went to our pastor and asked her for help. The pastor suggested that my parents bring me to a prayer meeting in which they would “cast the demon of homosexuality” out of me. I was 14 years old. I remember being terribly frightened. My body shook with fear as they prayed. I felt condemned and rejected. Afterwards I was in a terrible state. I was hurt and more confused than ever. However, one thing remained...I was still hungry for masculine love, affirmation and touch. I didn’t realise at the time that I had suffered more abuse at the hands of “caring adults” who truly didn’t know any better.

In my confusion, I became very secretive. I began to mistrust women and didn’t like the power they held over me. In time I found myself becoming an abuser, all under the guise of “loving behaviour.” I could not understand why people thought there was something wrong with me. I felt good about my feelings and trusted them as a close friend. I did not realise that I was building up mistrust towards adults as well. My only condemnation was from people. I heard nothing from God. His reality in my life was non-existent.

As I searched for who I was, I found myself being pulled into Hollywood. I became a professional singer and worked in commercials and movies. I was in my element. I needed to prove myself and be accepted by everyone. I needed self-worth. I was young, good-looking and “eager” to succeed. I never quite made it. My success was always short-lived. The snares that kept success at bay were drugs and sex. They were the “easy” escape route for me. My motto became, “sex, drugs and rock & roll.” And in that order! I tried about every type of drug that was available. After a three-month singing tour through Central America (successful at first, but failed in the end) I returned to Hollywood and to the drugs and sexual security I knew would comfort me.

My parents didn’t know exactly what was going on in my secret life since I had learned to hide everything as a teenager. The only things they could see were the obvious signs of sin and rebellion, like drug abuse and being thrown in jail. They were confused and didn’t understand. I knew I was hurting them but I had no idea how to stop. By the time I was in my early twenties I believed that, “This was the way I was, so I needed to live with it.”

I was in and out of jail several times. One such arrest in my early twenties sent me into depression. My parents came to see me and said they would not bail me out. I couldn’t believe it. They were not going to rescue me! The feeling I had was one of being abandoned, again. I returned to my cell and began to cry out to the Lord. He heard me and, for a period of time after my release from jail, there was a marked change in my life. For the first time I realised that God had a special purpose for my life. God wanted to do a complete work in me at this point. Nevertheless, I found myself trying to hide my past from the Lord and others. The hurts were too much for me to deal with.

Subsequently, three years after this “marvellous” conversion, I fell...and fell hard! I became like the man Jesus cast the demon out of and the demon went around looking for a new home and couldn’t find one. He returned to his original home to find it clean and vacant. Then he brought seven worse devils with him into the man. I was worse off than before!

Some would say there was no “true repentance.” However, I believe God has shown me that He wanted to heal all my past hurts and experiences before He released me into ministry. I didn’t allow Him into those areas of my heart to do that specific work. All I wanted to do was go full steam ahead “working” for the Lord. It was a way of covering up those past hurts and feelings in a cocoon of religious denial. God, in His patience, has taught me that He longs to do a complete work in our lives if we will only let Him. He doesn’t just put a bandage on the wound, to cover it up. Our Father wants to go deep into those hidden places to cleanse, heal and fill with His love. I did not understand that then. God has taught me to know His forgiveness, and from that experience, to then forgive others. He continues to teach and heal me!

From that time until about 1985, I again rebelled against God. I thought nothing of abusing others to satisfy my deep hunger for what I thought to be true love and masculine affirmation. My need became paramount. Throughout this period my mom and brother continued to pray. They never stopped trusting. God had given my mom a promise and she believed Him completely. Gently God brought me back to Him. I did not realise the transition at first. It started with a tragedy in my personal life. The devastation of losing a long-time lover caused me to experience isolation and fear. Nevertheless, God was in charge and His timing was perfect. I became sick and tired of being sick and tired, and I was willing to do anything to change!

Before long, I had a desire to go to church. Most importantly, I found myself seeking God for an answer. He began to teach me slowly, through His Word, then through dreams and by speaking to me in His gentle, quiet voice. He wanted me to know how much He really loved me. There was no one around who could help me, let alone understand my brokenness, so I found myself going directly to God for everything.

I was offered the job of creating a cable television morning talk show in Bishop, California, and quickly latched on to the opportunity. I had always loved “show business” so it was a natural step for me. After turning to Christ, I began to insert Christian themes and music videos into my TV show. I began to tithe and attend church regularly. The Lord had brought me back to Him. I felt as if I was doing exactly what He wanted me to do as well as what He had designed for my life. God blessed my endeavours financially. The show became very popular. Little did I know that He had other plans for me.

Through a set of circumstances, in the summer of 1991, the local police found out about my past. Until that time, I was under the impression that I had fulfilled my probation requirement. I didn’t think I had to register with the local authorities when I moved into a new area anymore. A mistake made by a clerk in the courts where I had been arrested, found guilty and served a sentence, found that the regulation still was valid. I was totally unaware of this. It was a skeleton in my closet waiting to be exposed.

Almost overnight, I lost everything. The TV station asked me to leave the show I had created and developed. I was sentenced to three months in the county jail. In my confusion I cried out to God, “Why?” just like Job. He began to show me He had a purpose and that He wanted my trust. He was in control and I had nothing to worry about!

I was released after serving two months of my sentence. God began to speak to me through friends. First He had to show me that there was another road for my life, than what I had chosen. He had “ordered my steps” and I needed to be willing to say “yes” and walk in those steps. Through different sources I received a Word from the Lord about becoming a missionary in Youth With A Mission. For awhile, I refused to accept that Word. However, through God’s gentle nudging, I began to listen and follow His lead.

During all that, God gave me seven wonderful years with my mom before she died early in 1992. We became very close and I was able to tell her all my feelings about what had happened in my life. All those “secrets” I had kept for so many years I was able to tell her. I explained the anger I felt towards my father and what had happened regarding the abuse and the unhealthy lifestyle that it induced. God helped her to accept and understand. That was a wonderful release for me. God was healing and shaping me into the man He created and purposed me to be. Although I had desired “overnight” change, I realised that my healing was a process and God was doing a perfect work in me as I continued to yield and obey His Word.

After my mother’s death, I left my home in California to travel to Lausanne, Switzerland for Youth With A Mission’s Crossroads Discipleship Training School, where I was trained in cross-cultural missions. During five very productive years in Europe, I moved into a staff position and began to train others. God brought me those who were broken, even within the mission. I was accepted by heterosexual males, which deepened God’s healing in me from the rejection I’d perceived from my father. In addition, I also attended the intensive Biblical Counselling School with YWAM, Amsterdam. In January 1993, in Lausanne, God gave me the vision to bring hope to those who have none, through educating the Church, as well as developing a network of global teaching teams to do the job.

The idea overwhelmed me. One year later Loren Cunningham, the founder of YWAM, gave me a Scripture he believed the Lord wanted to speak to me: In John 14, Jesus says that He goes away to prepare a place for us. Loren believed that God was preparing a specific place of ministry for me. Two years later God sent me to South Africa and within the first three months, the church leaders that I was accountable to knew that the Cape area was the place that God had prepared for me.

The following year the founders of TRAILBlazers, an interdenominational intercultural ministry based in Johannesburg, asked me to join them and develop a ministry in the Cape area of South Africa. From the onset I believe God directed me to establish a core group then a board to bring accountability to the ministry in the Cape. The goal in the Cape was clear – to train and equip church leaders, counsellors and lay-worker to deal with sexual and relational brokenness within the Church, see support groups established within the safety of the Church and to create a network of resources with other Christian ministries.

Also in August 1997, I was ordained by the International Federation of Christian Churches in South Africa as a Minister of the Gospel. In 1998 Atlantic Christian Assembly Church, near Cape Town, invited us to join with them as an affiliate ministry. Within the first year we partnered with them to initiate a four-month counselling school to mentor qualified lay counsellors in churches from all denominations. Those churches began to open their doors to us to speak and hold One-Day Leadership Training Seminars in a continuing effort to educate those who want to help within their local church. Where once some church leaders were saying, “But we don’t have that problem in our church”, they realised that as Christ’s ambassadors we can no longer stand by without helping those around us who suffer in the shame and secrecy of sexual brokenness. RESTORING WHOLENESS MINISTRIES has seen the start of several support groups for strugglers, as well as for their families. We have also developed a counselling referral network across the Western Cape.

In 1999 I was became a member of the Exodus Europe, Africa and Middle East Board. The following year I was privileged to complete the Living Waters accredited Training Course of Desert Streams Ministries (founder/director Andy Comiskey). I became one of the co-ordinators in the Western Cape. Together with a tightly formed team we forge ahead seeing Living Waters become an integral part of the healing process for those who are ready to do such an intensive course.

In 2001, together with the team of seven teachers and writers within our ministry, we created the “RESTORING WHOLENESS LEADER’S EQUIPPING COURSE”. Our hope is to assist, educate and give a foundational comprehension to the Church on how to understand and minister to those struggling with relational and sexual issues within the Church.

It is intended to assist Church leaders, counsellors, youth leaders, cell/home group leaders and those preparing to step into leadership rolls. It has been accepted by many churches such as Vredelust Dutch Reform Church, the South African National Assembly of God, His People Christian Church, Baptist Churches and Anglican Churches within the Western Cape.

As I look back, I see the time in South Africa as being the beginning of the vision God gave me in Lausanne, Switzerland. In 2002 we were released by TRAILBlazers to move into our own identity as a ministry. We became RESTORING WHOLENESS MINISTRIES. Within the process of change we are challenged with the many continuing adventures on the horizon! In 2003 I was chosen to be one of nine authors in a book, Big God Big Life published in South Africa. Each chapter is written by different leaders, from around the world, and on topical subjects of the day. My chapter is entitled, “The Crisis of

Sexuality in the Church and in the Family” and deals with the problems as well as solutions facing the family and the Church in today's society in a much avoided issue of life.

2004 saw the creation of LIFE MATTERS, an 8 week introductory ministry course for the entire church. Its aim is to assist church leaders thus providing entry level help for congregants that pave the way for more intense and focused programmes such as Living Waters. Once run, church leaders can designate facilitators to continue to run the course for new church members.

Through many trails and hardships Restoring Wholeness Ministries continues to forge ahead growing one step at a time. In the middle of this growth there has been the constant struggle with obtaining the correct visas for a long term stay in South Africa. In 2004 this struggle reached a crisis when I was asked to leave South Africa, due to my 30 year old criminal history in California. After several appeals God intervened. At this point in time there is still a few more steps but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, praise God! From 1996 till now my colleagues, RW Board members, church leaders and friends stood by me, encouraging and supporting me. The family of the Lord is awesome!

Revival is coming to South Africa and thousands across the nation are uniting in prayer. But one question remains, “Will we be equipped to comfort, help and encourage those who come seeking – those who have lost all hope?” As a missionary and international speaker who walks by faith, my biggest desire is to share the experience and knowledge of what God has done for me. As more and more problems arise, there is a great need for those who, with experience and healing, can face the challenge of helping those who so desperately need and want to change.

There is much more to this story. Many miracles have happened but the most important is that God is using my broken past to heal the future of others as I daily continue to walk out my own healing. I have not arrived but I know the Cross of Jesus is the only way of healing for those who struggle with any type of brokenness. His victory is our salvation and hope!

In Christ's Love, Grace and Adventure,