I have learned that due to work responsibilities, my father often was absent from home for very long periods. Because of this, my role models were my mother and a middle-aged female family friend who loved me dearly. At the age of five, I experienced a great amount of rejection from my father. Unconscious rebellion was rooted when my father confronted me on the issue that I rather spend my time with my mother and not doing the things that a boy/man should be doing. As a child I could not understand what was the error in my behavior and why I was not acceptable to my father, my hero. "I must try to change in order for him to love me."

Being in full time ministry, the efforts and time of my parents were always channeled to what God called them to do, to the expense of a healthy relationship with my sister and I. At my first rugby match, my dad's presence was greatly missed and I felt as if I was not important enough. I started building up walls and being pessimistic towards boy things. Later on the blame and negative feelings were shifted towards God and His church. It was because of His church that my parents did not have time for my sister and I - that we never had sufficient, in all forms, in comparison to other schoolmates.

At an early age I was craving male attention, which were further reinforced by negative comments towards me from family and friends. The pain was buried deep in my heart and started eating way at me. Then I went to High School. I was excited about my new endeavor and my future, but insecurities carried from the past and a lack of affirmation led me to believe that I wás really different. My attraction to girls was present though, but the longing for male attention was stronger. The lack of fatherly love that I experienced became bigger. I realized something was missing.

Suddenly one day, my father left the ministry and we as a family had to start all over. Financially and emotionally shattered. This caused even greater rejection towards the church and especially towards my father. I had to adjust from a small town school to a more modern city school. I could not fit in. The one positive thing was that God ensured that I meet my best friend, even under those unbearable circumstances. He still remains that in Christ, till this day. But rejection and negative comments from male peers were the order of the day and I lost faith in who I was as an individual. This made me run further and further away from God and the truth that I was taught as a child.

At the age of sixteen I buried myself in performing well, especially in cultural activities. This was not very acceptable in a sport driven school. It was my choice to take that step to change schools - I flourished in this new adventure. But even by performing exceptionally well and achieving the highest ranks in almost everything, my insecurities did not disappear.

After school I made many wrong choices in order to try and fill the void in me. I was losing myself completely and allowed myself to get the affirmation craved in an ungodly way. I drift further and further away from God to the extent that I could not even bear to hear His name. Lies were at the order of the day and I lead a double life. Today I am sure that God allowed me to make those wrong choices. In my heart I knew that God called me at an early age and His grace remained present.

Through a list of events I realized that I did not want to continue my way of living. At my parent's recommendation, I went to see a Christian counselor. This was not completely my choice alone and I did feel a sense of rebellion towards them.

I experienced a resolved relationship with God and on the final night of my counseling sessions, I cut all ties with the past and completely re-dedicated my life to the Lord. That special night I was baptized with the Holy Spirit. I felt clean and light, like a newborn baby.

Unfortunately I expected immediate results and a quick fix. The desired did not occur. There was no support structure and I did not really count the cost of my healing. I slipped back into a lifestyle without God as my main foundation, affirmation and strength.

Only three years later did I experience the call of my Father that was so real. The love I could not find, the peace that no human being can describe. The unfailing love of God and the purpose of being became real in whereto God has directed me. His true love and presence are now continually a part of me. Yes, at times it is so difficult, but I know the truth and I will not be satisfied with any thing less.

My Father, my Friend, my Family, my Destiny, my Eternity, my Lover, my Peace and my Protector. I am now truly saved, truly reconciled with my maker and Creator. What may come is not dark any more - it is bright, peaceful and with my Heavenly and Earthly Father that can and will not forsake me.

Father, thank you for Your Unfailing Love.

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