Testimonies - Michael

EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCY

by Michael

Even from as little as I can remember I was different to my brothers. I come from a large family of 6 kids, and have 3 brothers. Our interests where different. Mine included knitting, helping mom and things like that. My father and my mom where always working, as far as I can remember and, I developed a close relationship with my eldest sister, who stood in for my mom most of the time.

I remember at school being different to the other boys. They loved sports and things and I hated it. They would talk about girls; I did not like girls at all. When reaching high school, I became friends with a very popular boy. His name was Shawn, and to this day I don't know why he was my friend. He would sit with me at lunch time, and I had access to a lot of other friends through him. It did not take long to realise that the way to acceptance was through others. I quickly found out how to make the older more popular boys like me, and then I would be able to spend time with an almost elite group via these friendships. Without one of those boys present, I was at the mercy of all the others who teased me and made my life very unpleasant.

It was during this period at school that I realised my attraction to a certain type of boy, and developed heavy crushes on them. I left school and went to the army where my gay lifestyle catapulted to the fore. I used the same techniques to befriend superior officers and eventually fell head-over-heels in love with a Navy chap who was two ranks lower than myself, even though in the relationship itself I was the leader. In my fear of losing him, I did anything he wanted, lent him money or my car, would driveplaces late at night to fetch him from guard duty etc. He became my whole world. When he went away I was usually devastated. I needed him not only for company but also for affirmation, for the entry he presented into a circle of friends, to be my joy and for me to feel like I had a reason to live.

I would binge on Valium and alcohol, to make the time disappear when he was not around. I would get depressed to a point of being a sobbing mess when he was gone, and after a year of this I realised that something was very wrong.

I was a born again Christian, lead worship in my church, and I believe that the Holy Spirit in His gentle way began to show me that I was in a downward spiral, and that should the relationship not end, one of my suicide attempts would actually work. My boyfriend was due for a 3 month long overseas trip, and I knew this was the time to make a move. I resigned from my post in the Defence force, and enrolled in Youth With a Mission (YWAM). I was accepted, and left for Worcester.

During the first three weeks of me being there the Lord in His wisdom and compassion, showed me the tricks of the enemy in getting me to believe I needed someone else beside Him for my emotional and spiritual security. I realised that I had made every guy I liked an idol. In some cases I, in my heart, had bowed down and worshipped them. I remember the day that it dawned on me that God was my FATHER. I cried and cried and cried, and years of pent up pain, loneliness, anger, etc, came out.

That was 13 years ago. God has been good to me in that my growth has been steady, and He has made me secure. My personality has changed from a quite shy manipulating boy into a self-confident man and husband. My son, now seven, is very conscious of the fact that he is a boy and he does not lack friends and social acceptance. He is secure and confident. God is good and merciful. I know it's a continual walk of healing, but my co-dependent coping behaviour has changed almost 180 degrees!