The moment I became a Born Again Christian I inadvertently opened a hornet's nest of brokenness that I assumed was normal life. It took a huge shock for me to take that first fragile step in healing.

I applied to take the Discipleship Training required by the Christian Mission Organisation for all long term staff and was accepted. This was the next best thing to have happened to me and affirmed that I was doing the right thing; to work for God and to answer His calling. I was accepted as a member of a Church and all was going so well.

In the meantime I innocently emailed the pastor and asked the church's viewpoint on homosexuality. He invited me to the office and then referred me to a Christian ministry called Trailblazers who counsel "sexually broken" people. When I arrived home there was an email waiting for me from the mission organisation that they had heard a rumour that I was living a homosexual lifestyle. My acceptance was revoked after a month of fighting them. They encouraged me to go for counselling for a year, after which they might review my application. For me the whole world collapsed after what I felt was their hypocrisy. Everything that I found hope and forgiveness in appeared to be just an empty facade and yet another rejection. The God I fell in love with was nothing more than the big bully from my childhood. Nothing had changed. I was not included when He died for my sin. He is just one of them. Call on my life. Yeah, right. More like another joke on my life.

I went tail spinning into self hate and denial. I tried "their" counselling but their counsellor was in America and the people left in charge were well meaning, but unable to help me. I felt betrayed. I stopped going. Quite suddenly God put amazing people in my way from the Assemblies Of God Church in Sea Point, Cape Town. They were willing to listen with open minds and encouraged me to return to counselling. This time everything miraculously fell in place and I hooked up in a support group. The group was under the watchful eye of Wynn Cameron Thompson, who guides Trailblazers in our neck of the woods, and a young Pastor from another Assemblies Church. With their gentle teaching and guidance I let the Holy Spirit in to heal me. Through all my anger at God I realised I am even more in love with Him and it was driving me bananas. With the help of my new "team" I was able to go back to and face my childhood issues. Issues of rejection, rape, self-hate, abuse and anger.

In the program there was one instance where things just poured out and the more I tried to shut up the more it just came out. After a group prayer session for me I asked the Lord to take me back to where it all went wrong. He took me back to the age of 5. My oldest brother had a back problem that had him in and out of hospitals. My mother and I went to visit him in Pretoria which involved an overnight journey. At the station on our way back home my mother had to use the toilet and she had no choice but to take me with her into the cubicle. I was made to sit inside with my back against the door facing her. At the age of 5, I was a bit on the short side and my face right in line with her private parts. She caught me out looking at her and suddenly she screamed and pushed me against the wall. She screamed at me to NEVER, EVER look at a woman down there. I could even smell the old urine smell of public facilities.

She yanked me by the arm to the train and all the way home she kept quiet and just barked orders at me. We never talked about it again. I was petrified. Why she reacted that way, shame, embarrassment, worries over a child in hospital, who knows? I truly forgive her now. I grew up a soft boy and she moulded me into a replacement for the girl she never had. It is easy to blame and that is not the case here, but I want to try to stop it from happening in another boy's life.

The softness caused me to get further away from my dad. The less masculine I became the more he hated me. He told me so often, and also that I was NO son of his. This made the life of a very lonely little boy. Just into High School I got raped by a few older boys. For them it was a huge joke and I had nowhere to turn. I believed I brought it on to myself by being such a feminine boy. It was my fault. I deserved it.

I started eating - if I was unattractive then I might be left alone. Through time one of the boys had a few more goes at me. He enjoyed it and blindly I felt that he must like me or even be in love with me. I changed schools and we started meeting up outside school again. It started to feel good. Okay, so this was the way to get love. There was never anyone to help me! I started to look for more of this love ? The church? Who needs them. One of the boys involved went to the same church as me and everybody liked him. Nowhere could I go.

The abuse went on, both physical and mental. Never accepted, my brothers were never close to me, and I sensed their disapproval of me. I grew up with so much hate around me, least of all my own self hate. Is this the reason for my homosexuality? I don't know. God has been good to me lately. He has opened up avenues of healing in me. I forgive all those people, although that is sometimes hard. But through His Grace and by Him walking with me, one step at a time, He is helping me and equipping me for my future ministry... I am still far from complete healing and I know it will happen at God's speed and timing.

I am back on course to answer His Calling on my life and am furiously equipping myself for ministry. I recently attended both Exodus and Embracing Life training seminars, which were organised by Trailblazers. The Exodus seminar dealt with teaching people how to counsel 'sexually broken' people and drug abusers. This was a general seminar on how to set up a ministry and to prepare yourself to deal people and their needs. As Wynn Cameron Thompson puts it " To count the cost."

The Embracing Life seminar taught how to counsel people with life threatening diseases like Aids, Cancer etc. It was taught by Jonathan Hunter, the founder and Director of Embracing Life. His teachings were especially meaningful to me as they dealt with broken pasts. I feel very strongly involved with this type of ministry and feels as though this is where God is leading me. Through these teachings I can feel the Holy Spirit working, not only in me, but with me in my healing, equipping me to go out and do His work. It is all about forgiveness and it must drop that few inches from your head to your heart.

I encourage anyone out there who is going through anything vaguely like my experience, to go for counselling and seek God's face. Only HE can heal us and bring forgiveness and healing into our hearts. May God richly bless you as He is blessing me here on the mission field in Mozambique. .You can get out of homosexuality... A True Story - Never Give Up!!

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