I grew up as an only child with an alcoholic mother and a father who wasn't able to bond with me emotionally due to the dysfunctional environment he grew up in (he was also an only child, with divorced parents, being raised by uncles & aunts). My dad was already 44 when I was born, and thus I grew up in adult circles where children were supposed to be "seen and not heard".

As a child I found it difficult to relate and bond with my peers, which left me spending much of the time alone, sometimes playing with imaginary friends. I felt like an outsider in most groups and was more often than not the victim of bullies at school.

Because of my parent's own brokenness, I could never truly find understanding for what I was going through and when I tried talking to them, they would brush it off with false consolations, minimising what for me were huge issues. They said things like "you shouldn't worry about it, you are more mature than your peers and therefore they treat you differently". This made me feel 'different', which alienated me further.

Even at home I could never experience true childhood. I felt responsible to play middleman between my parents, which was aggravated during times when my mother was drinking. To "avoid leading my mother into temptation", my father would have drinks in private with his friends, behind closed doors. This grew to a point where, although my father never became an alcoholic, both him and my mother would be drinking separately, behind closed doors, and I would be all alone in my room, entertaining myself.

Looking back, my parents probably tried to model intimacy to me in the best way they possibly could. When not drinking, my mom tried to spend lots of time with me, but I now realise that neither of them had any idea what true intimacy is all about.

Church and God was another sad story. My parents came from different church backgrounds and could never agree on their religious beliefs. Though both of them taught me about God, His greatness, and the church, yet I got mixed messages. What stood out more was the fact that they couldn't agree on the matter and that their lifestyles didn't reflect what they were saying. It was as though we had this unspoken rule in the house that each one was allowed to go to his/her own church, as long as they never talked about it afterwards. This made God just another unreachable dream to me and gave me the image of Him as a distant, strict old man, ready to strike with lightning … and I had to hide. In effect I wore a mask when praying to this Holy God who was so far away.

My parents' hidden habits brought me to the inherent thinking that all people have underground stuff in their lives, and as long as you know it's not to be spoken about, it's ok and you're part of the crowd. So when I started realising that I had sexual desires towards my own gender, I rationalised that this was just my 'hidden habit'.

I was by now isolated to a stage where I could not even discuss things in my life with the people closest to me (my parents and God). I felt that none of them cared, and wouldn't understand in any case.

When I was 20 my mother died. I couldn't decide if it was a relief or a loss. The person closest to me had died, but at the same time my worst enemy was also gone. This brought my father and me closer in the sense that we had to be there for one another, but we still didn't discuss relevant matters.

Two years later I was home alone on night. Robbers broke in silently and held me at gunpoint in my bed. At that moment a million thoughts went through my mind, but most important of all I realised that (if they were to shoot me) it would shatter my father if he had to discover my body. Although I was far from God at that stage of my life, I prayed like never before, and miraculously my life was spared that night.

After this incident I made a subconscious decision that in order for my father not to get hurt, should something happen to me, it would be better to let distance grow between us. I buried myself in my work and would be at the office from early morning to late at night. It would be the perfect excuse to avoid contact with my family. I also discussed only work related matters with colleagues and had almost no friends. Work became a comfort zone to me. Suddenly I found an identity in being a manager and people had to accept me because of my position.

At 24, one of my colleagues invited me to church. I was shocked, since I knew her to be a party animal and one that would never talk about religion. Suddenly I could see a drastic change in her life. The compassion and love that radiated out of her got me to accept the invitation.

I received Jesus Christ into my life that day, and ever since God has started revealing to me His true character. Never have I experienced such unconditional love, from a Father wanting only the best for His children. On my journey with God, He is slowly but surely removing the walls I have built. Gradually I stop hiding behind the masks that I have used to avoid pain and rejection in the past. God is there every step of the way and uses various methods to draw me closer to Him. I have begun to turn away from the false ways of obtaining intimacy. As each day passes I am discovering Father God's true intimacy. This reality has created a great desire in me to pursue an even deeper and more alive intimacy with the One who created me.

As most people involved in God's work know, one is never at the place where you can say, "I have arrived", but what I do know is that I have come a long way.

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