It was only at about age 17 that I realised who I thought I was and why I always felt out of place. For the first time I heard the word "lesbian" and found a group of people with whom I could identify.

I grew up in a very strict traditional Christian home with an alcoholic father and a mother who tried to keep things together. Although we were a very close family, things like sex or feelings were just never discussed. Home was a place of warmth and security, yet after matric (high school) I fled to get away from the hurt of seeing my dad’s drinking.

For almost 15 years I lived in my new-found freedom - living the "gay" life to the fullest, the wilder the better. Clubs, parties, sex, drinking – you name it and we did it - all the time unconsciously searching for something to fill the void deep down inside.

Then I met my husband, a wonderful, gentle man. I decided to lock the past away. Looking back now, I believe God wanted to start changing my life, but I was so far away from God that even though we went to church and searched for Him we were so spiritually blind that we missed all the signs.

Needless to say I failed my husband, not physically but emotionally, because of not knowing any better. I believe one reason was because I never had lived as a "woman." I lacked the feminine, God-purposed qualities.

When I realised that I was really losing my husband, I just gave up on life. I could not live without him. For 10 years we had always been together. We shared so much and did so many things.

I did not want to face reality and drinking became the way out. The alcohol, plus all the sleeping tablets and anti-depressants changed my personality totally. After two suicide attempts, hospitalisation, psychiatrists and psychologists, nothing was changed. The same questions were still going round and round in my mind...without answers.

So I decided that 16 February 1996 would be the last day of my life. Little did I know how true this was! I knew about God but I never knew Him or His Word. Yet as I was lying there still messed up from the night before, He came and stood next to my bed. There was no smooth talk or begging. All I remember was hearing Him say, "Stop blaming others and pointing fingers, look at your own life. The choice is yours to die, or to live and give Me a chance." There was so much love in His voice that I just knelt on the floor and gave what was left to Him. What a sweet peace enfolded me!

I was instantly delivered from alcoholism and pills, but the rest of my healing has become a slow step-by-step process. It started with forgiveness but I had to learn that God would never force Himself on me. I had to take the first step making a decision to allow Him to touch and heal me. Little by little as I open up, He does the work.

One thing God has shown me over and over in His Word is that I am a unique person, the apple of my Father's eye. He made me for a very special reason and since the day I was conceived He walked with me, never leaving my side for a moment. I have missed it many times, but God loved me so much that He never gave up on me.

I don't ask why anymore, "...for I know the One in whom I trust and I am sure He is able to guard safely all that I have given Him until the day of His return." (2 Timothy 1:12, Living Bible).

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