Dear Reader

I want to share with you a testimony of the past few months of my life. There was a time when I wanted to run as far as I could from God. Although I knew that it would obviously be impossible, I still pursued my old life-style, getting involved in a same-sex relationship. It didn’t last long, but it caused enough damage to let me lose track of the journey I was suppose to walk. Nevertheless, it was a moment that was part of the journey and I had to suffer severe consequences of choices I knew would lead to a dead end.

Through out that whole time, that desert period of my journey, I could not escape my heavenly Father. I am married to him and I was cheating on him, and he knew… He did not crucify me; he showed me even more love. He was constantly on my thoughts, and then I had a revelation. How do you know when you love someone? For me it is when your thoughts mostly contain the presence of that specific person. So it dawned on me that this must mean that I love God, and that I cannot be happy without him.

Such a simple truth, yet I did not see it. I was blinded once again by my own delusions. My challenge was to face up to reality and not get lost in some fantasy world that would ultimately bring me nowhere.

Lying is a hard job. It eats you up from the inside.

I finally came out with the truth to the people I am accountable to. They did not judge me; instead they encouraged me more than ever. And for the next spiritual season I entered, I really needed their support. I went through stretching times with a family crisis and I had to go through a drastic change of scenery.

My old girlfriend was still in the background nagging my thoughts the whole time though. But I ignored her for along time and it nearly blew up in my face. I thought to myself it would be best to only contact her later and tell her exactly what I need to tell her.

One night, rolling around in my bed because I couldn't sleep for some or other reason, the past comes knocking on the door - perfect timing, I mean the last thing I needed at that moment was a sms from my old girlfriend! She wanted to know if I was still alive, and is this now my idea of friendship. She wrote she missed me and doesn't understand why I don't answer, she's getting worried. So I replied, and I thought this was funny, "Visiting hours are between 8 am and 5 pm." She wrote back, "Well, you are a special patient and I couldn't go to sleep with out feeling your pulse first. I just wanted to know if you are still alive." I said, "I did send you an e-mail." (In which I briefly told her that I can't talk to her

anymore in a very nice but firm way, which I send on that very day!) Instead of sms'ing me back, she phones! I'm thinking, ‘this can't be happening, what am I going to say to her?!’

So obviously it was very awkward, and then I really wanted to burst out in tears, and I really wanted to tell her that I miss her too and I can't stop thinking about her... but luckily I didn't. I said to her that it is very difficult to talk to her over the phone, and that I get very emotional, then I kept quiet and couldn't say anything else. She said "Is that it, you are just going to ignore me?" I kept quiet. She put the phone down, and I burst into tears. I felt so pathetic. "Come on girl, pull yourself together, God is on your side", a voice said to me. Before I could respond to the voice, another sms came through. It read, "I just wanted to say that I'm alive. I was mugged and bullied last week for my phone so I had to hunt down your number again. Thought visiting hours were irrelevant for me, will check mail." Instantly the saviour in me kicks in and I phone her back. "Are you ok, what happened, what happened?!" (I'm such a sucker.) She explained to me in one sentence what happened and then the conversation turned again to the subject of us. I can't even remember what I said, I just told her basically that I can't phone her anymore and that it's not a good idea that she phones me. This part was all God's working in me, but I did say that I miss her too.

It would be another week until till I'd hear from her again, but it gave me time to write a very important letter to her and put it behind me once and for all. This was the letter I sent her:


“Dear friend,
How should I prepare myself to come to you? As a severe moralist, or as a good caring friend who keeps her distance for the right reasons? Please do not jump to conclusions or prejudge what I'm about to share with you. I should've made it clearer to you where I stand with you.

“I believe it's important to look at things from God's point of view. For who do you know who really knows you, knows your heart? I want to refer to something that the Bible says without sounding religious. So just bear with me for a second. When the Bible talks about sex, it refers to it as a spiritual mystery which is a physical fact. In scripture it says - "The two become one." Since we want to become spiritually one with Jesus, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, - leaving us lonely more than ever-, the kind of sex that can never "become one". (Sounds familiar?)

“The Bible also tells us that those who use and abuse each other, use and abuse sex, use and abuse the earth and everything in it, don't qualify as citizens of God's kingdom. Not so long ago, I was part of that list, now I'm cleansed and given a fresh start with Jesus. Even though I've fallen several times, I intend to still follow him.

“My point is and the simple truth for that matter is, even if I tried to be friends with you without any wrong intentions, my innocence might wander, because satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. Unfortunately with the past we share, a friendship between us now can create opportunities for something else beyond friendship again. I'm not just talking about the physical aspect of it, but also the emotional dependent side of it. Emotional dependency is when I think of you in an unhealthy way and expect you to fulfil needs that ultimately only God can truly fulfil.

“I know that breaking off the friendship might seem like a very unpopular choice for you. But you know, God has a funny sense of humour. He puts us on a stage in a theatre where no one wants to buy the tickets. So of coarse our choices won't get applause. We're something that everyone stands around and stare at, like an accident in a street. Maybe this is how you see the choices I've made now, like an accident - you just stare because you can't believe this is happening. Well, this is the road I choose to drive and there are no shortcuts. I can't look the other way and hope my feelings for you will go away.

“Just because something is technically correct, doesn't mean that it's spiritually appropriate. So technically speaking it would be "correct" or ok for us to be friends, but would it be good for our spiritual well-being? If I went around doing whatever I thought I could get by with and that's comfortable, wouldn't I be a slave to that instead of God's will? And by the way, it is not God's will to separate us like this, but it was because of our own will or at least I regretfully admit my own will. If I keep on being friends with you, then I'll actually be providing fuel for more wrong, more injustice, and bringing more hurt to you. I think I've done enough don't you?

“It may seem to you that I'm above all of this, but I'm also hurting and it is also hard for me too. The only way I've pulled through thus far, is through the power and authority of Jesus Christ my Saviour, and through being accountable to an awesome support team of friends and counsellors that listens and pray for me. I would recommend that you find yourself a family like this. Get connected girl. Go to church, one that can support you in a walk of healing. I'm just giving you free advice from personal experience. I'm not going to ask you to do something I'm not already doing myself.

“Lastly, I just wanted to leave you with this thought:

Love, live and obey.

This is God's commandment, not mine.

From a genuine unpretentious girl,

God bless.”

With everything that was going on in my life I felt good about the letter because it was God-inspired and most of the words I picked out of the Bible. I knew He had not left or forsaken me. I prepared myself not to get a reply, and not to let it bother me if I don't get a reply. She is now in God’s hands and I just have to trust him for her life.

I wanted to share this testimony first of all to show the glory of God, but also to show that God is love, and not love is God. We seem to get confused with this and many homosexuals uses ‘love’ as a scapegoat to substantiate their sexuality.

I know, because I use to be one of them. This was purely because I was unaware of God’s love. The love that I expressed for my friend in the letter I wrote is God’s love. The love that I expressed to her before was ‘love’, but not God’s love.

(1 Corinthians 13)