When your child comes home to tell you that he/she is gay, it can throw you into a pit of despair and into a series of very destructive and piercing experiences in your family. Even if you suspected that to be true beforehand, the open confession still confirms possibly one of your deepest probably fears.

How is a Christian parent supposed to respond to such a confession? How do you cope with deeply loving your child and having to face his/her confession? How do you mange the painful experiences you and your family are suddenly thrown into? How do you handle your own emotions and feelings of utter despair, perhaps even depression?

The aim of this article is that it will serve as a first aid kit. It is not possible to answer all the questions that such an experience gives rise to within us, rather we will give a few pointers to help Christian parents find direction through the maze of emotions and unexpected strain on their family when they suddenly have to cope with the reality that such a confession came from within their own ranks.

We are going to try to lead you through a few initial things that might make up your experience in part. We will address the issues from a Biblical perspective, and assume that as a parent your concern will be as much for your family, yours, and your child’s spiritual well-being, as it would be for loving your child and accepting him/her into a loving home.

What do I do with my own response?

By the time you read this, you would probably already have had a rather emotional discussion, (perhaps a few) with your child about their confession. You might have responded in a state of shock and said things you regretted afterwards. What is important is to acknowledge to yourself first what the impact of that confession was on you as a parent.

Are you angry? Do you feel life lost its meaning? Do you wish it was all a bad dream and that you will wake up tomorrow morning to find that it is all gone? Does your heart ache for your child? Are you torn apart within because of your love for your child and the sudden distance between you and him/her? Are you shocked and feeling unable to face up to the daily demands of your job and home? Do you feel guilty and full of remorse that you were not available to your child through the years of his/her secret style with homosexuality?

The first thing to accept is that your initial response, however wrong it might have been, was an event and need not be a decisive factor in your future relationship wit your child. You need to give yourself room to overcome the intensity of your own response. You will need to spend much time with God, voicing your response to Him, and allowing your emotions to come to the surface in His presence. He is still there. He still cares for your family, your child, and yourself.

To assist you in this process, we give you an activity to work through in your won quiet time with God. These activities might take time to work through honestly before God, but do not go over them hastily. Spend time with God going through your own responses and learning from the Bible as much as you can.

Read 2 Samuel 13 to 2 Samuel 19. As you read, do the following:

Make notes of all David’s emotions and responses to his children as they respond in ungodly ways. Which of these emotions can you relate to? Discuss each one you can relate to with God. Make notes of all mistakes you believe David made with his children. What were the consequences of those mistakes? Which of them can you relate to? Discuss each one with God. Make notes about the things you believe David responded to correctly to his son. Why do you believe each case was the correct way of responding? What did you learn from it? Suppose you are David. Write a few letters to Absalom telling him how you feel about his behaviour. The first letter after he murdered his brother, the second letter after he arrived back in Jerusalem after the exile. The third letter after you learnt of his revolt; the fourth letter after you learnt of his death. Look at the four letters you wrote. What do you fear most in the case of your won child’s confession to you? Now write two more letters. Write to the child that made the confession, honestly voicing your inner response, as well as concern for him/her. Write another letter to God, responding to Him about these two matters as well. (You need not give the letter you wrote to your child to read, but go through both letters in prayer before God). If nothing else, then the story of Absalom in the Bible gives us a few very important things from God’s Word about our children.

David was a man after God’s own heart, yet his children went their own way. We cannot decide on behalf of our children what way they should live. Discuss this fact with God in the context of your own family situation. David never disowned Absalom, even to the point of death. Yet, his child’s behaviour forced a very painful distance between them. How do you feel about this in y our own situation? Although David was the King, he could not control his children’s decisions as to how they should live. How do you feel about the reality that your child chooses to make decisions that you cannot control, but that cut you up on the inside?

How do I respond to my child?

If your child came to you and confessed to be a drug-addict, would you have responded in the same way you are responding to the confession of homosexuality? The truth is that homosexuality carries a stigma to it.

You will have to sit down and honestly look at your response. Which part of your response is out of genuine concern for your child, and which because of a response to society (what will people say?). You will have to come to grips with the fact that your response may have an element of personal embarrassment in it. Are you willing, and able, to put your child’s welfare before your own position in society. Can you grow beyond your response to your child’s confession and its impact upon you and your family’s reputation? How are you going to cope with the fact that what only happens to ‘them’ has now happened in your own home? Although it is a very painful process, as parents we must realise that we play a God-given role in our children’s lives. Can we just push them aside when they do things that cause the rest of the family to be thrown into a bad reputation dilemma? Only after you have come to a place where you have worked through your own self-defence will you be able to make decisions that would be best for your child and the rest of your family. How do you balance your response to protect the rest of your children and the family as a whole, while making decisions that will help this one child? TO address issues of this nature, let us clear our minds first clutter and look at a few basic truths about parents:

We present God to our children. They learn about God from our example. We are accountable to God for the way in which we rear our children and the decisions we make on their behalf. God gave them to us to raise them in the fear of the Lord. We do not own our children. We cannot control their lives. They belong to God in the first instance. God never overrules one’s free will, and when our children grow up, we need to increasingly allow them to exercise their own free will as adults. We need to allow them to make their own choices when they become adults. But also to see to it that they are raised in the Word of God as they are growing up, so that they are equipped and trained to make Godly choices. Once we have established these truths, we have something to base our responses on. Lets look at it:

How do I respond to my child? Firstly, the right way to respond to your child will be the way God responds to us when we choose a lifestyle contrary to His standards. How does he respond in such a case? Do you know? Let’s do another activity to explore this truth.

Read Genesis 2:16,17 & Genesis 3. As you read, consider the following:

1. How did God respond to the fact that the pinnacle of His creation, the one that carried His image, made a choice that caused God’s initial purposes to be thwarted?
2. God was actually in a position where He had enough power to cause them to make different decisions, or to force them into obedience to Himself. Why did he choose to allow them a free will? (Do you sometimes wish you could forcefully change your child’s decision.)?
3. Did God ignore their choice to disobey Him? (Genesis 3:7-24). What was the cost for Him to face up to their choices? (John 3:16, Romans 5:1-10).
4. Read Luke 15:11-32 for a picture of Divine parenthood. What do you learn from this parable in your own situation? See the child as the son wanting his share to leave. GO through the different phases of the parable while you respond as the parent, allowing your child to be the son. Discuss your response to each phase with the Lord.
5. Consider the statement: @What my child’s confession is doing to me, I am doing to God whenever I choose to live a life contrary to His design as found in the Bible. Discuss your own life with God in this perspective.
6. Read Luke 15:11-32 again. Now go through the parable again, but his time see God as the Father, and you as the child wanting to live your won life. Go through the phases again, this time responding as the child wanting to leave. Discuss your response with the Lord.
We are now ready to face up to a few practical situations. You need to respond to your child. You cannot just sit back. Ask yourself:

How can I maintain God’s standards in my home while I give my child freedom of choice in his/her own life? (If your child is still at an age where you should take authority, and not give them freedom of choice, then how are you going to do that?) What would best honour God in the situation? If God treats me the way I treat my child now that he/she touches my reputation and go against my will, what will happen to me? If I just accept my child and embrace homosexuality for the sake of peace in my home, do I then honour God? (Isaiah 59:1,2). If I just disown my child and reject him/her, what chance of salvation would there be for me if God treated me that way? What is the best way to respond to the rest of my children? Are they any better than this wayward child? Read Luke 15:11-32 again. Which child was the more difficult and more disobedient child in the end? Am I willing to continue to give all my attention to ALL my children and not let this crises allow me to focus all my attention only on one child? How can I make sure I spread my attention to all my children and have all their well being on my mind?

The truth is we have one of 3 possible ways to respond:

Embrace homosexuality and redefine your position regarding it. This is without doubt what would give your child immediate joy and immediately restore peace between you and the child. Reject your child and distance yourself from him/her, claiming that you would not have any contact with them for as long as they live this life. Walk the painful road of maintaining God’s standards while you continue to love your child. There are no hard and fast rules, just the reality of a real love for your child and a forced distance from your child because of his/her choices. We do not have to compromise the standards of God in order to love our children. In fact, we love them most when we stand firm on God’s standards. Without doubt, your child will try to convince you to accept homosexuality and give them the freedom to openly live it out in your presence. No doubt, in moments of despair, you might feel like running away or perhaps sending your child away. However, are you willing to follow God’s example? To continue to love your wayward child? Always making room for the way back, without changing the standards of your own convictions. Think about Luke 15:11-32 again. What would the outcome have been if the father gave in to his pain when the child wanted to leave and allowed him to live a life of squander and immorality in his own home? Would there be any hope of change for the child?

Family Relationships
At a time like this, parents very often get into arguments with each other about what the correct response would be to the child. Be patient with each other, realising that both are going through a lot of trauma. Spend time to comfort, encourage one another, and continue to talk about the issues you need to decide about in the light of God’s Word. Do not allow yourselves to get into emotional discussions, and do not allow yourselves to follow your own mind or heart in an important decision, like how to respond to your child in principal or in practical ways. Always come together with God’s Word and learn from it. Try to implement within your family, and your response to your child, what you learn. There are many stories of families in the Bible Go through them together and see what you can learn.

Remember that homosexuality is a relational problem. Therefore, you can expect that relational problems will become prevalent in your family. Take care not to allow this one child to become the centre of attention while the rest of the family has to cater for that one person’s needs. Let your child take responsibility for his/her decisions, while you steer the rest of the family into healthy living. If you want to give a message of hope to your child, then maintain a healthy family life. It was thinking back to the fact that even the slaves in his father’s house had a better life than he did that brought the prodigal son back. Therefore you help your child (and all your other children) most if you maintain a healthy family home rather than to fall into a trap of focusing all your attention on that one problem person, and in doing so become an unhealthy, unbalanced family.

Finally
Do not despair. God does not agree with secular science that homosexuals cannot change. Read 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 and take note of the past tense in verse 11. Are you willing to follow the example of true parenthood in Luke 15, and then to watch and pray for the return of your son/daughter while you allow them to live the life they have chosen? Are you willing to let them take responsibility for their own lives and carry the consequences of their own choices without making it as easy as possible for them? We serve a living God. Do not give up!! Commit yourself and your children to Him, remembering those that are still ‘at home’ need your prayers as much as the one who has ‘left’. Always remember that God is walking this road with you. He knows the pain of having to respond to wayward children. Share your heart openly and freely with Him. He is your best role model, therefore watch how He responds to sinners, and follow His example.

Written by:
Total Transformation
P.O. Box 15669, Vlaeberg 8018
Cape Town - Tel +27(0)21 241 218